In which I reveal what it has truly come to…

Have you seen The Holiday? It’s one of my all time favourite movies. When I first saw it I somewhat liked it but since then have seen it a bazillion times and each time liked it more and more. Do you ever notice how some movies can totally parallel your own life? Can you see where this is going?

Sadly I have not met a dashing young widower with two cute little girls, nor have I met a movie score composer from LA. No– I have my own Jasper Bloom. You know the guy who Kate Winslet is in a state of unrequited love with for 3 years? And to make that parallel extra gut-wrenching.. he’s British too!  Unrequited love being the most cruelest form of love? Ring any bells? Well yes.. I realized yesterday that my BNB is definitely Jasper Bloom. We had been keeping some form of our lovely witty banter, he compliments me just enough to make me feel happy and fuel my source of hope in the fact that one day.. some day… yes… and then asks me to help him plan his September holiday. A holiday in SEAsia that he is most likely taking HER to and not me. He skirted around the subject of travel companions but I knew what he was doing. And like the very desperate sucker I am.. I find myself giving him a few suggestions.. including my favourite place! All the while metaphorically kicking myself furiously in the shins!

And so I try to leave behind that “bad” man and find a “good” one.. don’t judge me forever…

And finally.. in the flesh!

A while ago.. well several or many moons ago I wrote about my pal from the past Desperate Dave: My sort of friend from long ago. I’ll admit that I was a bit harsh in naming him but at the time.. I was slightly perturbed by him. Anyway he and I have kept in occasional contact over the past year. He was deeply intrigued by my moving to Germany and so has been in regular contact through facebook and the like. In a way… I  have developed a bit of a soft spot for him. NO! That’s not where this is going.. don’t even think that!

While I was home it seemed that he and I would chat rather regularly and he continued to inquire as to whether or not I would want to meet up for coffee. I had managed to avoid him last Christmas and this summer and so really I had run out of excuses. Plus while we have quite a few mutual married friends, we remain the rare singletons in the 20-30- Something crowd of the Ontarian suburb city we grew up in. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to meet for coffee. And so we did. New Years Eve Day.. Desperate Dave and I met in a coffee shop after not seeing each other in person, since I was twelve!

It would make a nice story if I could say that my heart melted and I vowed I’d never be the same. It would be kind of nice.. in a way if it was so good that I figured moving home wouldn’t be that bad of an idea. But that did not happen. It was… well.. nice! I mean it was just really nice. No chemistry on my end at all. It was good to finally talk face-to-face and he is a really really decent guy. Not just decent.. but good. He’s the kind of guy that would be a really safe place for a woman. He’s the kind of guy a girl would go to after her heart had been ripped out and trampled on by the dangerous love of her life. He is good. Really good. He’s just not the guy for me.

What is that about? Why am I still that way? Why do I prefer the dangerous type who never seem to love me quite enough? Why do I downplay a really decent guy? What in the world do I want? Why am I wired to easily love men who are no good for me? Why do these men stand in the way of good ones? It’s enough to drive anyone crazy.

Anyway.. I’m not going to call Dave a Desperate anymore.. that’s not kind. He’s a nice nice good guy and so he’ll just be known now as Good Dave. And I’ll work on giving my head a shake and try to develop an interest in nice and good guys.

You’ve Got a Friend

It’s the end of December and here comes 2009. Hard to believe a whole year has come and gone and what a year it has been. It’s been a pretty major one for me in that I moved to Germany from Indonesia and basically started building a whole new life. The process has been fairly easy and painless and I am happy in my surroundings.. most of the time.

Being home has been lovely and I’ve been having a great time catching up with friends. MK and I had an amazing visit the other day. It’s so strange to go from seeing someone every day for three years and knowing all the little details about that person’s life to only seeing them once in the past 6 months or so. I don’t like that so much. It was great to visit and realize that distance hasn’t really changed anything and we can still be close even though we have a few major continents between us.

I have been visiting with all my Canada friends and really enjoying catching up with everyone. Of course there is all the new fresh gossip but it’s also really nice to relax back into friendships that are comfortable and have history.

I had a fun girly night with A complete with thai food, chocolate, girly movies and wine. It was so nice to relax and solve the world’s problems as always…

Jimmy and I had a long awaited Skype chat the other night. It was fantastic! So good to catch up and discuss and laugh and just be the good friends we were back in a different place.

I’m visiting with some friends that go back to my high school days today and then tonight probably going out with LF. He’s my pretend brother and it is always so good to see him.

I guess I’m just really filled with love for my friends these days. In that way that I love them so much I feel like I could burst! Maybe that’s weird.

I used to hesitate at the idea that we are defined by our friendships but I am starting to rethink  that whole idea.  I know that the reason I am who I am has a lot to do with the friendships I have encountered and been part of over the years. I now have a solid group of people who I have experienced segments of life with and it is so comforting to know that the fact that I do live far away may slightly complicate things but it doesn’t really change them all that much. It’s nice to know that I have people scattered all over the world who knew me when I was awkward and 15 and angsty and 21 and homesick and 25 and being stupid and 26 and now … well now 28.

It’s a happy thing. It’s also something that I need to remind myself of from time to time.

And here comes the Crazy!

Only four days and I’m flying home! Thank goodness for that! I am just about done here for a while! The added drama of Mr October doesn’t help anything either. However, as expected my best guy friends have been wonderful when it comes to putting things in perspective. HKN gave me some reassuranace and then laughed with me about it and FDB said I did the right thing and avoided a potentially scary situation. BNB even had some good things to say. It was nice to feel support by my “boys”. And the good thing is that today I only feel sad for him because he truly is crazy and really messed something up. But I also feel relief that I avoided a potentially insane situation and would have settled for a psycho. So this is good!

I’d much rather be single than have to deal with that kind of baggage. HKN is going through a strange situation with an equally psychotic person right now. He has had a full year of psychos. He said that his friend says that we’re at that age where all the people we meet have actually lived a bit and carry way more baggage and scars and shit than the people we used to encounter on a regular basis. I don’t know.. but he could be right… how depressing!

Anyway, as MK pointed out, I do get a lot of good stories out of these dramas.. so we’ll file this one away under Crazy and move right along…

*** I just want to clarify that I did not know about this guy’s issues before I got involved with him. There were some really sweet and fun aspects to him.. obviously or I wouldn’t have been enticed to see what could happen.. the bad stuff surfaced after he left. It’s actually kind of sad but I guess “you live, you learn”

A… B… C…

It’s rather unfortunate when Boy A says all the things you wish Boy B was saying. But Boy B says enough of the right things that you dare to hope that someday he will say all that Boy A is saying yet you kind of know he won’t. And then you find yourself somewhat resenting Boy A for not being Boy B and vice versa. Yet the presence of Boy B makes you unable to fully appreciate Boy A… maybe I just need to wish and hope for a Boy C for Christmas!

Mr. October & Me

So the Guy came and we had a totally perfect week. It really was terrific and I was somewhat shocked by just how easy it was to “play house” with him. When he left he basically told me that he had fallen for me and some other very nice things. He left me a letter that outlined just exactly how he felt about me and said that even though it was a short time we were together, it was monumental for him.. or something.

So I read the letter, was sad that he’d left, moped for about a day and then decided to move on. Kali came over one night with a bottle of wine and chocolate which was sweet of her. Anyway, I figured that once he got back home he would be swept back into his day to day routines and I would be just some happy memory in his head. I was okay with that.

Well… he’s gone a tad overboard. Started sending me tons of texts and emails and basically telling me that after meeting me he realized that he didn’t like the direction his life was going and wanted to relocate to Europe! um.. hello!

He also started confessing all this Life Stuff that he had conveniently left out of face-to-face conversations which basically made me realize that I don’t know this guy at all!

It made me freak out because while we had a great time together.. it was with the intent that it was only to be a week. I have no idea how I’d feel about him if he showed up here and moved across the street and we started talking about forever or not even forever.. let’s start with a month.. yikes.

I do believe in mushy love at first site.. I am still a romantic idealist but this is just a bit strange. In a bizarre way.. it could be a nice thing. Decent guy who is really into me and says all the right things who wants to move across the world to be with me. Yet my cynical side thinks.. what the heck! That’s so much pressure! He must be insane!

So anyway Mr October had a bit of a freak out moment yesterday and started asking me how serious I was about him and I blanked because really.. I’m not that serious.. I don’t know the guy! So we ended up having a HUGE talk via skype and sorted a whole lot out.

I told him that right now.. I have no idea about him. Maybe one day things could work out but I can’t have him moving across the world for me. Especially seeing as I’m not planning on staying here forever. I don’t even really know him and it would put way too much pressure on everyone for him to do that. Maybe one day we’ll meet up somewhere or maybe I’ll take a holiday in Australia or we can meet somewhere in the middle.. who knows? But right now I can’t throw everything around for someone I hardly know. So I said that right now.. he needs to tone it way down.. and just be my friend and we’ll see what happens way down the road.. but no sudden movements.

He actually was okay with that. For now.

Why can’t things be simple??

Wonky Social Circles

It’s interesting how our lives are all so different. I find it interesting to consider social circles, especially now that we are all “growed up”. I realize that my social circle is greatly affected by the fact that I no longer live in the country I grew up in and the chances of me returning to take up residency in said country are slim to none. This means that I don’t have those nice nights where I meet up with all my friends from high school or uni at the local pub. I don’t have that big group of friends I go way back with. When I go home at Christmas.. I have people I see but the longer I’m away.. the more the friendship dynamics change. I suppose it’s a good thing in a way because my location choice has sort of helped me sort through my friendships and only invest time and effort in the ones really worth holding onto. I know why I’m friends with the people I’m friends with.. most of the time. Maybe that sounds cold and harsh and I don’t mean it to but I also think it is healthy to surround yourself with people who are supportive of your choices. I don’t have to sit in a cofffee shop explaining that I’m not being an “irresponsible adult” by living away from my family or that I’m not neglecting the responsiblities of life by refusing to move home and hunt for a husband.

A few of my friends are from my past. A few are from various stages of my life but most of my friends are people, who like me, are living in a  foreign land and trying to make sense of everything. Friendships in such conditions tend to grow quickly out of some sort of need for companionship and like-mindedness. We are all lone reeds in a sense and I think that draws us closer together. I’ve noticed that some people who have adopted this expat lifestyle are very closed off and private. They don’t seem to need or want any kind of relationships in their lives. Others are quick to make friends and recognize the immediate need we each have in our lives for companionship. I fall into the latter category and so while I don’t have tons of friends, the ones I have are close and dear to me. These are the people worth keeping around.

So sometimes I’m saddened by my seeming lack of a real solid social circle but other times I am content and aware that my social circle is spread around the world and no matter where I happen to be.. I have good people on my side!

Boys Boys Boys

Right now there is lots happening in the Boy World. Well not quite lots but there is definite POTENTIAL for things to start stirring.

Kali (one of my 2 friends.. and a girl I also teach the same stuff with) was talking to Adam today and he asked if us new girls go for Friday Night Drinks. Then he said he was hoping he’d see us there. This is good.. and especially good cause Kali is planning to bring her German boyfriend along. So that’s Adam.. Kali is determined to make this happen!

Then there is the guy from Bali who I was supposed to go on a date with in Singapore before I left Indo.. remember? Anyway he emailed me today to say that he’d be here in Germany for some big exhibit thing for his work. He wants to stay with me… hmmm. This would be in September.

Then there is the NBB.. (Newer British Boy) he’s my internet friend who lives in England. I think I have mentioned him before.. we started chatting back when I was 18 and have stayed in touch for quite some time… anyway he’s trying to get an invite for a week or so.. hmm.

Then there is First Date boy who I have been chatting with incessantly since I arrived. I don’t know man.. there is some kind of underlying chemistry there that I can’t explain.. maybe it stems back to the fact that there are some major unresolved issues from back in the day.. or maybe we’re just on the same wavelength sometimes.. I don’t know.. but lately I have loved talking to him.

Last of all there is: um.. remember BNB? (Badly Named Brit) I wrote about him a bit on my other blog I think. The British dude I met in Bali who I totally fell for only to be strung along for 5 months and then told that I was being traded in for a girl who didn’t live 6000 miles away.. remember? Anyway I cut him totally out of my life for ages.. but for some insane reason.. lapse in logic.. I included his email on a huge “I’ve moved and here is where I am” email.. just to see what would happen. I bring this on myself… So he was quick to reply and since then we’ve chatted every day. It’s not a matter of falling back in love with him but more a matter of being in a healthier head-space in which I can flirt and enjoy the attention but not expect or want or need him to come and rescue me. It’s proving to myself that I am in control. Dont’ roll your eyes at me! Oh I still haven’t asked about his current relationship status.. but I kind of wonder.

So yeah.. when I’m not coming up with riveting lesson plans.. these are the boys I think about.

Social Stigma.. or something like it..

I have mentioned before how being home seems to really cement the fact that I’m single into my head. I don’t usually mind it until I’m totally surrounded by married-babied folk and it seems as if I’m the only one in this club. So yes, this visit home has been somewhat nauseating but at the same time.. I’m holding my own.

One thing that I have noticed this time is the social stigma attached to single people past a certain age. I realize I’m not quite at the spinster mark but at the same time.. when most of my friends were married at 22 or 23.. me being at the ripe old age of 27 puts me in an old maid-like category.. Anyway this is what I start to think.. it seems that the whole aim of the game is to end up married.. and so for a person who is single.. he/she is viewed as a social failure.. or at least a person with something wrong with him or her. But why isn’t there any sort of pity or whatever when it comes to people who married poorly? Why do people look down on people who are single but not those in bad relationships? When I look at many of my married friends I would not trade places with them if my life depended on it.. I think being single is a far better thing than being miserable.. yet it seems that as long as a girl manages to get a ring… she wins at life. I don’t think this is right because I know I could be married if I wanted to be but have these things called standards and expectations and refusing to settle that seem to get in the way.. so does that make me crazy?

I think the pity should be saved for the people who make the wrong decisions and end up in miserable marriages.. not those who are doing their thing and having fun and refusing to settle.

Delayed Love Reaction

So the question came up: Could you ever meet someone, realize that he/she would be good for you and then fall in love with him/her later?

Hmm… while the whole notion of making yourself fall in love is rather taboo in the world of romantic idealists.. at the same time, I think it could work. Yes I think you may have just witnessed hell freezing over. I mean, people in arranged marriages learn to fall in love and it seems to work. That is not my justification.. merely an idea. I just wonder sometimes if building a great relationship on hot, sweaty, sexy, chemically induced emotions is really the key to it all. While it would be great to be totally swept away and fall madly and deeply in love .. it could also be a very dangerous way to start something. It would be a dangerous way to start something that you want to have last forever and ever amen.

More and more I am starting to think.. maybe it doesn’t have to be all about butterflies. At times maybe it shouldn’t be. If something starts as this hot hot affair.. what happens when the initial passion starts to fade? It’s then that you really need to put tons of effort into getting to know the person.. you, in a sense, set yourself up for disappointment because who knows if you’ll ever be able to get back that same level of initial intensity once it starts to die. And once it’s gone.. what do you have? Not a whole lot.

If you look at someone and think “Wow, there’s a great person and he would be fantastic for me. I could be good for him. I like him enough and it would be great to get to know him a little bit more.” To find that friend who offers you love and security and such.. well how amazing would that be? To wake up each morning and realize that you love that person a little more than you did the night before? That’s what it’s about! Now I’m not saying it’s a good idea to just go find some random dude off the street and set your mind on loving him, but I’m thinking that maybe if you found that incredible friend who you admire and respect and love in a way but never thought of like that before yet know that he has the makings of a perfect husband.. maybe you just give him a chance…

Feelin It

    Due to basic female insecurity, low self-esteem or a warped idea of something or other, I tend to be a bit surprised when people show me support or tell me they love me or basically.. just care. I’m not saying this as a cry for help or to get pity.. just something in my head makes me doubt that I’m all that important to people. I know.. it’s a bit crazy.

Anyway yesterday was a really nice day in a strange way. A few people here and in the Asia area know that I was going to the hospital for that certain little ordeal and the people who knew really did nice things and made me feel all special and loved and supported. I got a few nice emails from some people at work, MK brought me fresh OJ and promised to come with me if I needed her to, CF hung out with me in the morning and gave me a big hug, HKN and I had a big long chat in which he said all sorts of nice things and let me know he was thinking about me, the India guy called me right away and then also said all sorts of nice things… and it was just.. nice. I felt loved.  I didn’t feel alone and it was nice to be reminded that I do have some amazing people in my life.

The Heart… and other stuff

I have a goal to get a lot of rest this week so that I’m not completely shattered when I land in London. Don’t think that’s really going to happen. Spent the evening chatting with my London Friend and setting up last minute arrangements. LF is being totally fantastic and taking care of all the little details so that I just have to breeze in there and psych up for interviews. I really appreciate him for that. It also helps because he’s managing a pub there so his hours are fairly flexible and he can bring me to work!

I’m getting some more contact emails and starting to realize that indeed I have quite a good CV to take with me. This week will be all about organizing myself for the Fair, which includes making tons of lesson plans for while I’m away. Oh joy!

I watched Little Children last night and thought it was rather an interesting movie. It was a dark take on suburban life and so didn’t come away exactly loving the world. One thing that somewhat irked me while watching the film was the fact that they used the line: “The heart wants what it wants”. I absolutely HATE that statement. I know it’s meant to make sense of odd couplings or to show that people will fight for what they want but I also feel that so often people use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. They use it to justify bad decisions and sometimes just because your heart wants it, doesn’t mean you should have it. I am as much a romantic as the next girl, although have noticed a creeping level of jaded cynicism lurking in the background, and I really think that sometimes our hearts are not to be trusted. Thinking that way can get us in huge amounts of trouble and have long term consequences… and I could go on and on. How is that for a happy Monday morning thought???

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Ok…if you want a “white girl’s paradise” then its called home, a place where women call all the shots, make all the rules and then lament that there are no “real” men for them to date. ~ Indy

So goes a comment from one of my favourite bloggers Indiana. The thing is, and I have tried to express this to different guys on countless occasions, it really isn’t about us being able to call the shots. We kind of do that already.. it’s just that most of the time we are clever enough for you to not figure out that it’s happening. What it all boils down to is respect. Yep, I said it: Respect! Call me old fashioned but I think in order for a relationship to work, a woman needs to respect a man. This greatly helps with the whole topic of male ego but it also helps because once a woman loses respect for a man, she sees him a fool and its going to affect EVERYTHING. Being able to call the shots and push a man around may be fun for a while but in the end.. we will resent him. It happens all the time.

I remember freaking out in front of a boyfriend before.. like pulling a major psycho girl moment. I was ranting on and on and making tons of accusations and zero sense. Suddenly this seemingly calm and quiet guy jumps up and says: “Will you just shut the fuck up!” It’s weird because I think it was one of his sexiest moments. He stood up to me, he took control of the situation and didn’t let me get away with the insanity coming out of my mouth. And while he told me to shut up I didn’t hate him for it. In fact.. I kinda liked him more.

I believe myself to be a strong, independent woman but that does not mean that the only man I could ever want to be with must bow to my every whim. That doesn’t mean that I need to get my own way and just want some puppy dog following me around. If I was a dog person, I would have bought a dog for that. It does mean that I want a stronger man who will take charge sometimes. Not to let me be the weakest link or the ultra submissive wife type but to let me rest for a bit. I think that a “real man” isn’t thrown off by strong girls but takes up the challenge and goes for it. It’s about finding men who are not intimidated by our strength but can handle it, encourage it and stand up to it! That’s my definition of a real man!