Single and.. dealing with it???

This past week I had a conversation with a guy who was trying to describe the floozy woman of his current affections. “Well,” he says, “she’s like you.. she’s 25 and just wants to have fun.”

“I am not twenty-five and just want to have fun,” I corrected him.

It actually bothered me that I give off this impression. I mean I am 28 and I am having fun and I do want to continue to have fun but this is all due to the fact that Mr Amazing hasn’t introduced himself yet. I make big plans for my life and figure out ways to fill it but this doesn’t mean that I have to stick to them. If I met the right guy, I could definitely negotiate. I think it bothered me because this guy is someone I could have actually had something with if he hadn’t first pegged me as in the “just wants to have fun and not settle down” stage or category. True, I don’t want to settle for just anyone.. but I also don’t want to die alone either!

I guess I’m frustrated by the notion that I’m giving off this “Single and Loving it vibe” which repells or intimidates guys yet I don’t think “Single and Desperate” actually attracts them and is in actual fact quite an embarassing vibe to give off… so what’s a girl to do??

Just say no!

Last night I went to a birthday party for a friend from work. It was a lovely evening and since we were all in the celebratory frame of mind, I indulged and did have some lasagne, quite a bit of wine and split a dessert. About half an hour later my whole body broke out into a sweat and I had to excuse myself to the ladies room. I was violently ill for a good 20 minutes (thank goodness the facilities were extremely clean) and then it took me a little longer to calm myself down and I returned to the party, no one the wiser. It was a horrible thing to have happen but at the same time.. I guess it means that I have trained my body to not crave sweets and carbs and all that stuff. So there was a silver lining to the mid-evening misery!

Silly Lies

Do you ever find yourself telling random lies? The kind of lies that really make no difference and there is no need to tell yet all of a sudden you are saying these things that aren’t true?

Yesterday AussieGirl took me to a Gummy Bear shop! Seriously the whole shop was dedicated to gummy candies! All sorts! It was a definite version of heaven. Plus as you browse different candies, a lovely woman comes around giving you samples of all the various kinds of gummy candies. Bliss. Anyway I’m off sugar and so was intrigued to see that they had a whole section of sugar free candy. I asked the woman about them and she explained that they were all sugar free and she had several kinds.

“Now are these for you?” she asked.

“No, they’re for a friend,” I find myself replying, while accepting a sample of a strawberry rhubarb gummy.

AussieGirl and MB just looked at me and I shrugged.

“So who is your diabetic friend?” MB asked once we were out of the shop.

“I don’t know why I did that,” I said.

“Well if you keep going back the woman is going to think you buy an awful lot of candy for your diabetic friend.”

“I’m nice like that,” I said. “But on my last day in the country I’m going to go into her shop and confess: It was all a lie! It was me the whole time!! I have no friends with diabetes!”

MB and AussieGirl shake their heads, “You need a holiday.”

Patterns and Puzzles and Potential

So strange how things work in my life these days. So I’m feeling all good about myself as I’m noticing changes in my body and energy levels and just feeling happier. Spring is.. sprunging? springing! and I’ve got a lot of great stuff to look forward to.

Two weekends ago, all I did was cry but I’m wondering if that wasn’t more about sugar depravation than anything else! I stop eating sugar and I cry… weird.

Anyway strangely… two days after all the truth was revealed about BNB, Mr October sends me a random email. Just a friendly “Hey I found stuff from when I was with you and made me think of you and miss you..” etc.. It was strange to think that I heard nothing for 3 full months and then he pops up right after all this junk is going down. Anyway I could be tempted to try and throw my energy back into him cause he’s there and available and has always said and done the things I just wish BNB would do but I won’t… I can recognize patterns in my life and I think I am stronger than I used to be. Anyhow it was just a bit random and quite amusing…

At the moment I’m fine with the single thing. Sure it would be fantastic to have a truly fantastic guy but I’m learning to let go and just see what happens. I am also learning that I need to be with someone who appreciates me and really wants to be with me because I deserve that. I don’t know why I have such a hard time believing that I can demand such things but it’s a process and so.. I guess I just keep working on improving myself and waiting to see what happens…

Oh and there’s always the Engineer….

Fresh air and fondue…

And I’m back from Geneva and what a great time it was! The 10 kids we were with were fantastic! Really cool bright kids! And funny! The other teacher and I got along great and I think we’ll actually become good friends now. I met a girl of the same name as me, who comes from one city over from mine in Canada and lives one city over here in Germany too. She was one of those kinds of friends you meet and you just click with. We talked about perhaps visiting each other or traveling somewhere or something like that. It was good fun!

I loved the freshest of fresh air! I loved the cheese fondue, although not so good for the old diet. Here take this potatoe and dip it in boiling cheese.. oh now take some bread and dip it in cheese and more potatoe… but man! It was gooood! The chocolate was amazing too! I tried to be good but sometimes a girl just has to give in… however I didn’t gain any weight!

I loved the lake and mountains and overall scenery of the place. It’s a beautiful city for sure! It was also nice to just get away and clear my head a bit. I am feeling much better about things and feeling more like I’m in a happier place now.

I didn’t exactly get a weekend but I feel refreshed!

Oh and one of the nights we took the kids to see Slumdog Millionaire… I loved it! What a film!

Moving right along..

OK so things are going to be OK. They always are.. I just get thrown off if my feelings get “hurted” or if I’m extra sad about something. Anyway moving right along… This week is a short but long week. I’m off to Geneva on Wednesday for a school thing. I love field trips in this country! Should be good! Kinda worried about the food/diet thing but I’ll make it work. I’m actually down 6 lbs and it’s only been a week! I love this diet lifestyle!

Letting go…

OK so.. we interrupt The Engineer story with a NewsFlash. If you’ve been following my ramblings you’ll remember how somewhat taken I’ve been with BNB for ages and ages and ages. We haven’t talked for a few weeks.. which is weird for us and weird since I moved to Europe. Anyway today I started a brief chat with him and he told me he’s been busy lately. Doing what? I ask. Planning his wedding! Yes.. so he’s getting married in the summer. Hmm. I was glad to find out online because I was free to promptly burst into tears while typing my congratulations to him overusing exclamation marks. It makes me sad because he was one of the few guys who was super close to what I wanted, there was so much I liked about him and now that dream has died. However, he totally strung me along. Now that I think about it.. he definitely did not let me know how serious things were with this girlfriend and he definitely should not have been flirting with me the way he did. He shouldn’t have been sending a girl the kind of photos of him that he sent me, if he was otherwise involved. He shouldn’t have been hinting at potential visits and wanting things from me. He shouldn’t have been talking me out of any guy who has remotely sparked my interest AND he definitely shouldn’t have had me unknowingly plan his honeymoon! Yep, I accidentally planned his honeymoon! How sad is that???

Now I really think I am Kate Winslet from The Holiday. He’s the ever evil Jasper Bloom and I’m the poor shmuck who he has been stringing along for a good long while.

But he’s a bad guy. I see that now. Deep down part of me is relieved.. I can let this thing go.. I won’t waste anymore time wondering “what if?”… I can be done…when I stop crying…

And breathe.

In which I stay up talking way past my bedtime..

A strange development has occurred recently with a guy we’ll call The Engineer.

 

(I forgot to mention this when we were chatting JC and I’m not sure if you know him.. I kinda think not)

Anyway let’s talk about him. So many moons ago, as in 10 years ago, I was lifeguarding full time at the local indoor pool. He had a few shifts there. Apparently he had a thing for me but I was not overly sure of myself in such situations and accidentally pushed him away. Oops. Sad thing is that is a bit of a pattern with me…

 

Anyway he went and finished University, graduated as an Engineer and got busy making money and traveling. He’s always been rather sensible in my opinion so I just sorta saw him as a square.

 

Fast forward nearly a decade and you have Facebook bringing in all the pleasantries and un-pleasantries from the past.. including him. So I snoop a bit on his somewhat dull profile page, see he’s traveled a lot, appears to be a little less square and a lot more interesting.

 

Fast forward a year… and I move to Germany. He starts to contact me quite frequently, telling me he is planning to move to Europe within a few months and making vague suggestions about us getting together. He lost a bet we made in First Year Uni that I haven’t collected on.. it’s turned from a coffee to a beer to a bottle of wine to dinner somewhere in France. Amazing how bets collect interest! As with many of the men in my life, I begin to think he’s all talk but keep him sitting there nicely on the backburner while I examine my other options which are to date.. non-existent. Oh he also moved to Europe and is only a short train ride away…

 

Which brings us to last night….

Day 4

I have passed three days of no sugar or fun food! All protein and vegetables mainly! The big test was being at an Italian restaurant known for its house wine and delicious pastas and pizzas. I said no! Even to the bread basket! I drank soda water and ordered a salad and tried to remain strong!

But seriously, I already feel better and the mad cravings have stopped somewhat. It’s kind of depressing thinking about how long I have to be on this thing but I’ll get through it.

It’s not that hard, it’s just a lot of planning to make sure that I have all the right healthy food on hand and don’t let myself get too hungry cause that’s when I become a bad girl.

In three weeks I have a friend’s birthday thing so I’ll drink a glass or two or five of wine there.. although having cut it out for ages should make me a bit of a cheap date. Then my sister is coming and I have to take her up the tower for some kaffee und kuchen so I’ll let that be my one “treat”.

Also.. my creative juices have started flowing again. Eww.. that sounds bad but I got my so called groove back so that’s happy.

Just a Tuesday Afternoon

Well eating mainly protein and vegetables has made me a little less “high” in terms of how I usually act after a much needed sugar rush but I’m hanging in there. The first few days are always the hardest but I’m focusing on the desired results, one of which is not being the biggest person in Thailand in a few months time. Yes, I’m going to Thailand with some kids from school for 3 weeks to do a service project there. Cool eh? It IS incentive!

Secondly, it’s funny how when someone notices you saying no to chocalte or brownies or mini pizzas and asks you why and you explain that you’re cutting all of that out… opinions fly all over the place. I know that “dieting is bad” and that “moderation is the key” and all of that but I need to do something that works and fast and I’m not killing myself and ultimately it’s my body! So really.. unless I’m passed out on the floor or actually killing myself.. why can’t people just say: “good for you!” ???

Thirdly, I saw The Reader on the weekend.. finally. I liked the book better but did think that Kate Winslet deserved the Oscar. It wasn’t uplifting at all and made one feel totally disillusioned when leaving the theatre. I think this is also complicated by the fact that I spend the majority of my week with 15 year old boys and so the thought of a grown woman finding one alluring.. is beyond me! (this is a good thing!)

And that’s all I have for this rainy Tuesday afternoon…

“Everybody knows it hurts to grow up”

…so sings Ben Folds.

No one seems to be able to put things in perspective for me as well as my Mom can. She and I had a very long, very serious heart-to-heart on Saturday. I cried over the phone the whole time and am still somewhat teary but it was good. Some changes need to be made in my life but I know I have her full support and that means the world to me. Life is just hard sometimes and I tend to feel like I’m just kind of failing it. Apparently I’m actually not.. it’s just the way things go. So here we go again….

This grown-up business is not proving to be very easy…

In other news… don’t ride trams when you are feeling teary and emotional. German people are not sympathetic and will either stare at you while you are fighting back tears or make fun of you. Lovely.

Other than that… I’m starting a new diet lifestyle change tomorrow. So not only will I be emotional tomorrow but I’ll be suffering from sugar/carb deprivation…

Just sos ya know…

Well I don’t think I’ll be writing confused reflections about Adam anymore. He’s a bad guy. I had some suspicions and they have been confirmed. So I’ll leave it as friendly work flirtation and be ever so grateful it did not progress beyond mild flirtation.

Seriously! Are there any good guys in the world???

Don’t Call Me Baby!

I think I have mentioned several times the fact that I like it when boys use my name. I find it much nicer than most of the lovey dovey pet names. Seeing as my real name has quite a few variations, I find it interesting to hear which one certain people pick. Anyway.. I have realised that I cannot stand it when guys call me Baby. I think this is for several reasons, other than just sounding fake, it’s cliche and the guys I know who use it are all major players. It’s easier to call a girl Baby than to remember her name!