One or the other…

She said to me: “Well either he’s controlling or he’s pleasing. Which one is he? He can’t be both.” I had never thought of it that way before but I think she is right and sadly I think he’s the former.

Actually, I think all of them are. It’s an unfortunate pattern I’ve started to notice.

This is bad…

this is very bad. I learned yesterday the importance of opening one’s mail. Apparently there are scary letters and bills that could be avoided if dealt with immediately. It would also help if the mail was in English. If it’s that important don’t you think they would make sure to translate it?? I’m working on trying to make an appeal to get out of paying over 500 euros (customs for something I don’t even think I received) and keep some scary collector from breaking into my house and taking all my furniture and worldy possessions. They actually do that here. So I’m in a bit of a panic.. a major panic.

Not helping my “Learn to Love Living in Germany” plan.

Scary Mail

Yesterday I received a scary looking letter. It was written all in German and from what I can make out.. it’s some sort of bill or fine or something for 500 euros! What in the world? Apparently some man has been to my house and will return to collect the money.  Creepy! I have been trying to translate it and figure it out but it makes zero sense to me. I really don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I hate stuff like this.. random mail in other languages that implies something bad. Anyway I’ll go into work today and get someone in HR to help me figure it out. But otherwise.. no holiday for me as I’ll be paying my fine.. yuck.

Karma?

Wanna hear a story? Ok good, here it goes:

So this guy I know is a math teacher. He’s a bit of a ladies man but found himself rather committed to a “nice bird” for the past months. (I hate it when guys call girls birds.. ugh).. Anyway he and said bird had all sorts of plans during the Christmas holidays including stuff with families and a hot New Years Eve in some excitingly romantic European location. A couple weeks before Christmas he decides that he doesn’t really feel like a relationships anymore and breaks it off. Jerk move right? But it gets better as he broke it off by EMAIL! So that’s rather low.. In my opinion only internet based relationships should end with email.. actually I’m not one to talk but they had been together long enough that a face-to-face or phone call was surely expected. Anyway so he wrote the email and then printed off a copy of it for.. well I don’t know why he did that but he did. Being the scatterbrained brilliant math teacher he is, he accidentally got it mixed in with his math exams. It got photocopied onto the back page of all the exams and passed out to the Grade 12s!

I thought it was amusing!

CNY

Happy Chinese New Year Everyone! Too all my Asia-dwellers: hope you are having a lovely holiday! I’m noticing that not so many people over here care so much about CNY.. and I’m really wishing I had the weekend off and MK and I could go to Bali.. which was our CNY thing to do every year.. except for that one time that we didn’t. Anyway.. a little Bali would be just the thing…

Tram Trouble

I went out tonight and it was a good night. There was a big group of us out and so once we merged it was something that resembled madness. It was one of those fun pub nights where everyone sings all the songs at the top of their lungs and it’s just good fun! I also have been working on getting healthier and so felt much better about myself than I have felt in a long time. This allows me to have a better night. So yes.. it was good!

Lots of people wanted to stay out, including Adam and the IT Guy but I wasn’t feeling it anymore. I say those boys because they are the ones I take the tram home with. Anyway MB and her friend got some Chinese food and headed home and I made my way to the tram station. While I was waiting this German guy, who is about my age, wearing a purple scarf comes up to me and starts speaking to me in German. I tell him I’m not very fluent and he switches to English. Then he proceeds to ask me what I’m doing in this place seeing as I’m not German and goes on and on about how I like adventure. Then he starts asking me if I want a hot adventure now with him, telling me that I know exactly what he’s talking about. I was dying for my tram to show up! He told me that he would ride it home with me and I said no thanks again. Finally it came and I escaped leaving him standing there a little stunned. Once I got on the tram this other guy who I always see on the tram at that time on Saturday nights gets on too. Usually he eats a really garlicky pizza and then passes out but this time he was awake and staring at me and muttering things in German. It was so creepy! I wished for Adam and the IT Guy because this doesn’t happen when they around. So I called MB just to be distracted and hope that the crazy drunk guy will lose interest.. which he does. MB was on another tram with her friend and they had the similar encounters with German men. How tragic really! I was hoping for so much more from these European men but I suppose my search for the ideal man will continue…

Talking and Writing

I work with the most incredible woman ever! She and I have been teaching the same class, well we each have sections of the class and so have had to meet once a cycle to plan what we’re doing. She is a brilliant and experienced teacher and I have been learning so much from her. She is also really encouraging and so I finally feel as though I’m doing a good job with my teaching. It’s been an ideal situation. Today we were meeting and very quickly got off topic and began talking about all manner of things. We talked about how well I’m settling into German life, we talked about how there are still places I want to go, we talked about writing and how most likely I can now write about Indonesia because I’m away from it. It was a great heart-to-heart talk and I really appreciate that I have a sort of “mom” here in Germany.

I have been writing a lot more and it’s going surprisingly well. I try to get up early and get an hour or so of work done before I go to “real” work. I find that after marking horribly written essays and stories all day, I don’t have much creativity left in me. So early in the morning is working for now. It’s strange because I’m not an overly bubbly, bouncy person in the morning but I can function and create and do all of my clever thinking.. as long as I can be quiet about it. And so I write…

Too bad

No Austrian Alps Ski Trip for me. Oh well.. now havea free week in February to fill. Perhaps a trip to London? or maybe somewhere warm… hmmm

Never Again

Coke Light with Lemon C is the worst tasting beverage I ever did try! It is comparable to drinking flat coke mixed with “lemon” floor cleaner.. I am not a fan!

In the aisle and on the line..

Today I had a lovely encounter at the food store, in the cleaning product aisle with Adam. It was brief but friendly and flirty and yes… (although word on the street is that he doesn’t treat his girlfriends too well… just his friends.. sounds familiar..)

Then when I got home I had a long chat with the BNB.. yes him and he ended up sending me a few photos of him from the summer.. yes these games again. But wow! He is WAY better looking now than I remember him a few years ago. That did not help anything. Nor did the fact that he was nothing but complimentary and suggestive.. oiy! If ever there was a crush…

Must now go and do something unsexy.. like study German…

Guilt-Free Saturdays!

This week was not the best week of my life but it wasn’t that bad either. I finished writing my reports and so have a free weekend without any obligations or guilt from not working. What a lovely feeling!

I have been really working on being discplined when it comes to “self-improvement”.. aka not eating crap and working out. I’ve also been trying to read more and watch tv less and have been getting up insanely early in the morning to write. It’s been quite good although I’m finding myself needing major caffeine boosts around lunch time.

I’ve had a few more social nights this week during the week, which beats coming home to an empty apartment every night. There are some really great people around!

Also there is a somewhat real possibility that I’ll be going skiing in Austria for our February break. I’m on the waiting lists for chaperones and we only need 5 more kids! I’ve got my fingers crossed. CK is going and we’re going to take ski lessons together every day. Also Adam is going.. newly single Adam.. methinks this shall be interesting…

Another guy I used to know from my University and Lifeguarding Days is moving to France in a month or something. He’s been sending me messages about me visiting and him “wine and dining” me. OK… he’s tall and smart and good with money and traveled and really quite good looking! More incentive to look “smoke show”.

I’ve become a bit of an amazon addict. I’m trying to refrain from making purchases late at night becauase my justification techniques are at their all time best around then. Fortunately I can cancel the orders when I wake up but still!

Oh and last night I went to see Australia. Yes, I wasn’t going to.. what with the whole last episode with a certain Aussie but I went and it was surprisingly good. I mean in the cheesy epic sense of the word good.

Alright well there is a bakery down the street that is calling my name! And with that.. I’m off!

I am asking myself…

How can you still feel harassed and taunted by someone who lives in Australia?? And how can he not feel totally embarrassed by these angry outbursts??
As much as I try to cut every possible tie… he keeps popping back meaner than ever.
Is there some way to report someone who is bothering you but lives in another country?

Monday Morning

This weekend I was supposed to write all my report cards so I’d be in good shape for the week.. but alas! I did not! I did however do a massive clean of my apartment and watch 12 episodes of Heroes.

Despite my lack of motivation in regards to report card writing..the year seems to be off to a relatively good start. I had a bit of a low week last week but I think that was due to jetlag, saying goodbye to family and friends and the fact that I didn’t see any of my friends until the weekend. Since then however things have improved!

I am also very into new routines and focusing on “making things happen”. I see the big age of 30 creeping up to me and I do want to be a fairly different person by then. Well at least get some things under control.. SO..

I have been getting up really early to go for a run/walk which is great. It’s been freezing cold but it sure wakes me up and already I feel better. Also this week I’ve started getting up even earlier to get some writing done before I head to work. I’ve been reading lots about writing and realizing that I am a clear thinker earlier on in the day. Plus after spending a full day reading and marking and sobbing over horribly written essays.. .I don’t have a lot of “creative spark” left. And so.. .I’m going to try this early morning thing and see what happens. I got two pages done this morning.. which isn’t a lot.. but it’s something!

I also just heard that my sister booked her flight to come see me in April. Visitors are always fun! And then I’m in the process of booking a flight to London in February and apparently Jimmy is gonna come visit here at the end of Feb. .So lot’s to look forward to!
And now.. off to write blasted report cards again…

In which I reveal what it has truly come to…

Have you seen The Holiday? It’s one of my all time favourite movies. When I first saw it I somewhat liked it but since then have seen it a bazillion times and each time liked it more and more. Do you ever notice how some movies can totally parallel your own life? Can you see where this is going?

Sadly I have not met a dashing young widower with two cute little girls, nor have I met a movie score composer from LA. No– I have my own Jasper Bloom. You know the guy who Kate Winslet is in a state of unrequited love with for 3 years? And to make that parallel extra gut-wrenching.. he’s British too!  Unrequited love being the most cruelest form of love? Ring any bells? Well yes.. I realized yesterday that my BNB is definitely Jasper Bloom. We had been keeping some form of our lovely witty banter, he compliments me just enough to make me feel happy and fuel my source of hope in the fact that one day.. some day… yes… and then asks me to help him plan his September holiday. A holiday in SEAsia that he is most likely taking HER to and not me. He skirted around the subject of travel companions but I knew what he was doing. And like the very desperate sucker I am.. I find myself giving him a few suggestions.. including my favourite place! All the while metaphorically kicking myself furiously in the shins!

And so I try to leave behind that “bad” man and find a “good” one.. don’t judge me forever…

And finally.. in the flesh!

A while ago.. well several or many moons ago I wrote about my pal from the past Desperate Dave: My sort of friend from long ago. I’ll admit that I was a bit harsh in naming him but at the time.. I was slightly perturbed by him. Anyway he and I have kept in occasional contact over the past year. He was deeply intrigued by my moving to Germany and so has been in regular contact through facebook and the like. In a way… I  have developed a bit of a soft spot for him. NO! That’s not where this is going.. don’t even think that!

While I was home it seemed that he and I would chat rather regularly and he continued to inquire as to whether or not I would want to meet up for coffee. I had managed to avoid him last Christmas and this summer and so really I had run out of excuses. Plus while we have quite a few mutual married friends, we remain the rare singletons in the 20-30- Something crowd of the Ontarian suburb city we grew up in. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to meet for coffee. And so we did. New Years Eve Day.. Desperate Dave and I met in a coffee shop after not seeing each other in person, since I was twelve!

It would make a nice story if I could say that my heart melted and I vowed I’d never be the same. It would be kind of nice.. in a way if it was so good that I figured moving home wouldn’t be that bad of an idea. But that did not happen. It was… well.. nice! I mean it was just really nice. No chemistry on my end at all. It was good to finally talk face-to-face and he is a really really decent guy. Not just decent.. but good. He’s the kind of guy that would be a really safe place for a woman. He’s the kind of guy a girl would go to after her heart had been ripped out and trampled on by the dangerous love of her life. He is good. Really good. He’s just not the guy for me.

What is that about? Why am I still that way? Why do I prefer the dangerous type who never seem to love me quite enough? Why do I downplay a really decent guy? What in the world do I want? Why am I wired to easily love men who are no good for me? Why do these men stand in the way of good ones? It’s enough to drive anyone crazy.

Anyway.. I’m not going to call Dave a Desperate anymore.. that’s not kind. He’s a nice nice good guy and so he’ll just be known now as Good Dave. And I’ll work on giving my head a shake and try to develop an interest in nice and good guys.