Last minute things..

I leave tomorrow! My lesson plans are all done but my suitcase isn’t packed. Yesterday I tried on all my sweaters and winter wear.. felt kinda weird to be wearing those things in “the tropics” but I’m excited for my winter clothes again.

Had a good long talk with my mom last night. Sometimes a mom is just the right person to put things in perspective and make you feel loved and ready to take on the world. It was one of those conversations. I feel like I’m ready and it’ll be okay no matter what happens. And the thing is.. if I don’t get offered something I want, it’s okay to come back without having signed a contract. Although I’m hoping that I do find something I am crazy about.

I bought a new camera the other day so I’ll be all set for playing in London later. Had coffee with Jimmy after school last night. It was a fairly good time although I think our days of constant hanging out are somewhat finished. Not just because of the things I wrote about before, actually not that at all.. I just think everyone needs space sometimes. Going to hang out with MK tonight while I pack. I really wish she was coming with me but that’s not to happen. It’s nice though because she went through this whole thing at the beginning of the month. Wow.. January is almost over…

OK must get back to finishing things up here….

The Heart… and other stuff

I have a goal to get a lot of rest this week so that I’m not completely shattered when I land in London. Don’t think that’s really going to happen. Spent the evening chatting with my London Friend and setting up last minute arrangements. LF is being totally fantastic and taking care of all the little details so that I just have to breeze in there and psych up for interviews. I really appreciate him for that. It also helps because he’s managing a pub there so his hours are fairly flexible and he can bring me to work!

I’m getting some more contact emails and starting to realize that indeed I have quite a good CV to take with me. This week will be all about organizing myself for the Fair, which includes making tons of lesson plans for while I’m away. Oh joy!

I watched Little Children last night and thought it was rather an interesting movie. It was a dark take on suburban life and so didn’t come away exactly loving the world. One thing that somewhat irked me while watching the film was the fact that they used the line: “The heart wants what it wants”. I absolutely HATE that statement. I know it’s meant to make sense of odd couplings or to show that people will fight for what they want but I also feel that so often people use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. They use it to justify bad decisions and sometimes just because your heart wants it, doesn’t mean you should have it. I am as much a romantic as the next girl, although have noticed a creeping level of jaded cynicism lurking in the background, and I really think that sometimes our hearts are not to be trusted. Thinking that way can get us in huge amounts of trouble and have long term consequences… and I could go on and on. How is that for a happy Monday morning thought???

Saturday Again

Just got back from 3 days at the beach with the Grade 12 students at my school. We take them out of the city for 3 days and give them a chance to relax but also to psych up and prepare for the next year of their lives. It was amazing and it was great fun to be on the water. I could hear the waves crashing on the sand as I fell asleep each night. We had tons of fun on the water, in banana boats and boogie boards but that wasn’t the highlight for me. All the kids were required to have one-on-one conversations with the teacher of their choice during the three days. I had 8 kids to talk to and the conversations were incredible. It was a chance for us to question them about their lives, their goals, their relationships, what they want for themselves, their spirituality.. all sorts of things. I had a few key questions but the kids usually started opening up after the first couple and steered the talk from there. The questions they have! And to hear what’s really going on in their lives was somewhat startling. A lot of confused and depressed kids. A lot of kids who are pressured to go down one career path but don’t want to. A lot of lonely kids who don’t feel like they have anyone to go to. It was really eye opening. I found it to be particularly crazy to hear the seemingly happy kids tell me that they are miserable. One boy asked me if I could define love for him because he doesn’t think he really knows what it is. They are just really lost. I now know that I need to spend more time encouraging them during the school day and making sure they know they are loved. Overall though it was great to get them talking and to give them some advice and everyone came away “bonded”, I suppose.

Now that that is over I’m able to focus on the Job Fair. In a week I’ll be there and it’s crazy to think that I could end up signing a contract for some new job in some new country. I’m trying not to panic and so far I think I’m doing okay. I do have moments of anxiousness but I know it’ll end up the way it’s supposed to.

I’m excited to see some of my London friends. A few I haven’t seen in years so it’ll be fun to catch up. I’m staying with a guy I basically grew up with. I’m best friends with his sister and we’ve got a lot of history. I think it’ll be great fun. He’s planning lots of stuff for us to do when I’m done my crazy fair. Hopefully we’ll be celebrating and not drowning my job fair failure in copious amounts of alcohol.

Had a nice chill Friday night with MK and KT.. some vodka, pizza and Criminal Minds DVDs. I hadn’t watched that show before last night and thought it was really good. It does make coming home to an empty dark apartment kinda scary.

And totally unrelated: I should be trying to give up caffeine but I just can’t bring myself to commit to doing that. There is something so comforting about a hot cup of coffee.. I like lattes.. so if it’s my one weakness… I’m okay with that. Well the thing is.. it goes so perfectly with my other weakness: chocolate.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Ok…if you want a “white girl’s paradise” then its called home, a place where women call all the shots, make all the rules and then lament that there are no “real” men for them to date. ~ Indy

So goes a comment from one of my favourite bloggers Indiana. The thing is, and I have tried to express this to different guys on countless occasions, it really isn’t about us being able to call the shots. We kind of do that already.. it’s just that most of the time we are clever enough for you to not figure out that it’s happening. What it all boils down to is respect. Yep, I said it: Respect! Call me old fashioned but I think in order for a relationship to work, a woman needs to respect a man. This greatly helps with the whole topic of male ego but it also helps because once a woman loses respect for a man, she sees him a fool and its going to affect EVERYTHING. Being able to call the shots and push a man around may be fun for a while but in the end.. we will resent him. It happens all the time.

I remember freaking out in front of a boyfriend before.. like pulling a major psycho girl moment. I was ranting on and on and making tons of accusations and zero sense. Suddenly this seemingly calm and quiet guy jumps up and says: “Will you just shut the fuck up!” It’s weird because I think it was one of his sexiest moments. He stood up to me, he took control of the situation and didn’t let me get away with the insanity coming out of my mouth. And while he told me to shut up I didn’t hate him for it. In fact.. I kinda liked him more.

I believe myself to be a strong, independent woman but that does not mean that the only man I could ever want to be with must bow to my every whim. That doesn’t mean that I need to get my own way and just want some puppy dog following me around. If I was a dog person, I would have bought a dog for that. It does mean that I want a stronger man who will take charge sometimes. Not to let me be the weakest link or the ultra submissive wife type but to let me rest for a bit. I think that a “real man” isn’t thrown off by strong girls but takes up the challenge and goes for it. It’s about finding men who are not intimidated by our strength but can handle it, encourage it and stand up to it! That’s my definition of a real man!

Good Night But Not So Good News

Last night was a great night. MK and I looked fantastic and we headed into a really cool new place. I hadn’t been there before but heard good things, and the fact that getting a reservation took a few weeks only goes to show what a great place it was. It was a “wine experience” or something like that. Amazing menu (our favourite restaurant in this place caters into it) and fantastic wines. We wined and dined and our bill was only 60 bucks. We figured that if we had the same meal in a more “western country” it would have easily set us back well over 200 dollars. I am ruined for life!  But the food was fantastic, the ambiance enticing and I think we have found a new regular spot.

Once I got home and was sure that I didn’t have too too much wine I called Canada. I had a big long talk with my Dad which was nice although today I’m feeling slightly unsettled about my future plans. My parents are becoming more and more vocal about not liking me living so far away from them and pushing closer places. I just don’t know.. I mean the Job Fair will determine all I think. I just realized that if I do end up in one of my dream schools.. my parents will be disappointed. But hey, this is my life after all and its not like I don’t go home and visit or anything…

The other disconcerting thing is that my biopsy results came back. I don’t think I have mentioned this before but back when I was 23 years old, through a whole series of strange medical events, I was found to have a melanoma. (Phase 2 Skin Cancer). Anyway they removed it and lots of the surrounding area and it once it was gone it appeared gone forever. Since then I have been going for yearly chest x-rays, blood work and biopsies and all have come back clear! So while it is in the back of my mind, I don’t think about it a lot.  So when I was last home I had two small biopsies and instead of coming back totally clear, they came back dysplastic. It’s not the end of the world but it does mean that I need to go and get them … I forget the word.. a fancy way of saying fully removed. The problem is that I’m not totally sure how or when I can manage to get this done. My Dad is mailing me something from the doctor and then I have to find one here and get this taken care of. I usually don’t think about this whole thing but today I’m rather freaked out about it. Although dysplastic really just means “abnormal” and not “malignant”. But as if I don’t have enough to think about these days…

So there is my happy little Sunday story for you…

Saturday Morning Rambles…

I love Saturdays! I was actually able to sleep in this morning and am now just sitting here with a coffee and catching up on a few emails. I’m finding that I’m a lot happier these days and I think it must have to do with the fact that my time here is limited. I’m on the less than 6 month countdown and while it scares me to death, it’s also really exciting. It also helps with all the daily stress I’m under these days. I don’t care as much because the end is in sight. It’s a good feeling.

I also haven’t eaten meat in vast quantities since the beginning of January.. although did have some snails the other night by accident. Hence the beauty of a “modified” vegetarian diet. I do feel better though, which is a surprise. Lighter might be a better word for it.

My Job Fair is the first weekend of February so I’m psyching up for that. Today I tried on all of my potential interview clothes and I think I have a few good things that work. As long as my hair works and I can accessorize correctly, I’ll be a hit! I am practicing confidence because while part of me is pretty sure I’m hireable, the other part of me is freaking out about how embarrassing it’ll be if I don’t get offered a contract.. anywhere. I mean there is always the coal mine school in Zambia but I don’t think that is a good fit for me at this stage in my life! So I’m trying to be confident but realistic.

Had a good night last night with a few of the girls. Dinner and then drinks back at my place. It was fun to just unwind after a busy week. The thing that bothers me sometimes is the service over here. It’s either all or none. Last night it was ALL. The restaurant wasn’t too busy and the waiters were hovering… it got a bit much.

I’m heading to the Salon in a bit.. mani-pedi-hair and then MK and I are off to this cool new place in the city. I’ve been trying to get a reservation there for weeks and finally.. I have one! So it’ll be a fun night!

To Be Heard

When I think about the people I am closest to the pool is small yet significant. I think that with my close friends I feel that  I can really talk to them. And I don’t just mean sit around and shoot the shit…. I mean really deep conversations. Conversations that involve them asking the tough questions and not letting me get away with a fluffy light answer. Conversations that involve them asking me how I’m doing and then waiting around for the whole answer. Those conversations that you come away from feeling elated and encouraged or at least with a list of things to think about.

I think as humans we all have a desire to be heard and not only that, understood. Many of the people in my life don’t know how to listen and so essentially the relationship/friendship becomes all about them.  There isn’t a balance. We are in such a quick paced society that we say what needs to be said, we get the answer we need and we move on. Very rarely do we spend time trying to get into the inner psyche of a close friend etc.

HKN just came back from somewhere and it was great to talk to him again. He may be a lot of things but he’s amazing to talk with. Sometimes it’s about him, sometimes it’s about me but it doesn’t matter because we are constantly questioning each other and talking things out and always come away feeling better. We take care of each other in a way and so there is safety and security there. And while not every conversation is deep, some are so far from that… well it’s embarrassing, it’s a good feeling to know that I am being heard and it’s fun to hear what he as to say.

Something Else

I have been tagged.. hmm.. so here it goes:

7 Things I Approve of:

1) Starbucks Coffee- not just the fact that they have such an array of excellent beverages but as a place to be.. to chill.. to escape the somewhat SEAsian chaos.. it’s lovely and comforting to know that some things are the same. Nevermind all that globalization business..

2) Romantic Idealism – I approve of being a Carrie Bradshaw about love and “never settling for anything less than butterflies”.

3) Bali - it’s a love it or hate it place and I love it. Not only it’s beauty as an island but the fact that its an escape from everything. It’s a place a girl can go to find complete tranquility and peace or a place she can go to find all the beaches, booze and boys she could ever want!

4) Weirdness/Originality – I approve of character traits, abilities etc that set people apart from the average norm.

5) AirAsia – the best budget airline in the world. Sure its more like a flying bus with not a lot of service but to cheaply get from A to B and not crash.. it’s a good feeling Sport! I heartily approve.

6) Rain – it provides opportunities to curl up with a book or someone nice, it’s somewhat cleansing and basically.. rain is just sexy.

7) BBC’s The Blue Planet - I can’t get over how amazing it is!

As for tagging.. well this is awkward but hey, let’s go with: LondonGirl, Treespotting, Indy and M.

The Box in the Closet

My most serious relationship lasted three years. Maybe that’s a long time, maybe it isn’t, I don’t know. It ended before I moved here. It ended because I moved here. It has been two and a half years since it ended and I really am fine with it. I have processed it from every angle possible and I know a few things. I know that it needed to end. I know that while it was nice and secure, it wasn’t good for me and I know that I wouldn’t trade this experience I have been having for it. The thing is, in order to deal with the loneliness that comes from living here I have had to tell myself that my last relationship was all bad. I have somehow managed to convince myself that it was a horrible, dull, monotonous thing. I tell myself that he was wrong for me and that we were never truly happy.

Usually when I’m home we end up bumping into each other and it’s all kinds of awkward but warrants some sort of conversation or interaction. This past visit I felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering if I would see him but I didn’t.

One night I wanted to find something that my parents had packed away with all of my “stuff” that has accumulated into this very organized set of boxes in a big closet. I ended up finding what I was looking for but I also came upon a box I hadn’t opened in a long time. In that box were all sorts of pictures of me and my X. I started to look at them strangely and was somewhat startled when I looked closely at the pictures. There I was, there he was and the thing is.. we were happy. Looking at some of those pictures made me remember how happy we really were. I remembered a lot of those really good times that breakups make you sometimes forget. I remembered him and how much I loved being with him, the security that came from him, the kindness he had in his eyes. I remembered how he adored me and how he could make me laugh. It really shook me up because I hadn’t let myself think like that in a long time. I was struck by the fact that we were happy then.

Then I put the lid back on the box, stood up and poured myself a glass of wine. It ended and essentially I am over it but it was somewhat comforting to know that I wasn’t unhappy for those 3 years and that there were some great memories tucked in there. It also made me hopeful that I’ll have that again with someone… one day.

I wonder…

I have an important piece of paper on my desk. It has some pretty important information on it so I know I would not also write something insignificant. The problem is that I have written this big long number on it. I know it is in my writing and it must be important but I have zero clue as to what this number is for… hmmm…

Post Plane

And I’m back in SEAsia.. wow talk about a whirlwind holiday. I really could have used a few more days as I didn’t feel I really had much time to slow down and relax. Coming back here this time was a tad different. There are always tears at the airport (I can’t help it) but this time I knew that I only have 6 months left here.. that changes things. And while the future is uncertain, it is also exciting!

The flight back was LOOONG, filled with screaming babies and not helped by the fact that MK’s little tv and mine kept freezing and having to be reset. This was highly frustrating but in the end we both got 50 USD of free Duty Free!

Last night I was about to go to bed but then Jimmy came by for a cup of tea and kept me up a bit later than I meant to stay up. I was okay with it though because it meant that I slept until the right time this morning… I may have beaten jetlag. It was nice to see Jimmy again. He said he missed me over the holidays. We’re both not really in the mood to be back so we’re coming up with fun things to do instead of freaking out!

Over the holidays I read the book Skinny Bitch. It was surprisingly convincing in promoting the vegan lifestyle. I was shocked to find myself even considering it. They spend a great deal of time talking about factory farming and animal cruelty and I found myself horrified at the examples they gave. You must understand that I am not exactly an “animal person” and so to be so thoroughly disgusted surprised me. So now that it’s 2008 I am thinking that I might try out this new vegan thing. The book suggests slowly moving into it by cutting out one thing a week. Ultimately in order to be a skinny bitch one must live on hardly anything.. well nuts, vegetables, legumes, lentils, tofu and fruit. This means no to meat, dairy, (oh no cheese!) caffeine, refined flour and sugar… ahhh! However, I think I want to try it. I do need to read more and make sure that I’m not being stupid about it. This week I am going to cut out meat and order soy lattes and see how that goes. I know I’ll freak out if I cut out everything at once. 

My other hesitation, besides saying goodbye to cheese, is the fact that I don’t want to be one of those picky eaters who people hate having over and stress about. I think I’ll keep the whole vegetarian/vegan thing on the down low. Plus I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it and so don’t want to embarrass myself by telling everyone. And then there is the fact that people get defensive and react when someone does something different.

Other than that, my New Years Resolutions have been pretty low key. Mainly I’m trying to just keep working on mine from last year. I do want to read more books, write more and spend less money. We’ll see how that goes..

New Favourite

Best thing in the world: BBC’s Blue Planet/Planet Earth!

My grandparents gave my dad the whole set for Christmas and it’s phenomenal. I would not say that I am particularly prone to nature films but once I saw the first 5 minutes of the first Blue Planet one, I was hooked! Totally fascinating! We have watched tons of them and I do feel that I have developed a whole new appreciation for this planet!

Happy New Year!

Well my time here is nearing its end.. I can’t believe how quickly three weeks have gone. It’s been so good to be home and be around snow and all that’s familiar. I have missed being able to hang out with my family and friends and just taking it easy. It’s been a great holiday and all the “family” times have gone really smoothly. All the reunions have been fun and I had an amazing time with my cousins on both sides of the family.

My brother has suddenly turned more “family oriented” and we had such a good time hanging out for the 10 days he was here. It’s fun that we can be friends now that we’re older and living in different places.

So here is 2008… it’s going to be a crazy year with a lot of new experiences and changes but I’m ready for it!